Don't Care Too Much About What Others Think

27 May, 2024

Philosophy
Thinking

Recently, I finally read "The Courage to be Disliked". To be honest, I had avoided buying it before because I felt a bit embarrassed by the title.

However, after reading it, I realized it was an excellent book. Let me summarize the key points and my thoughts.

The Theory of Causation and the Theory of Teleology

The theory of causation is the idea that every result has a preceding "cause".

The theory of teleology is the view that the "purpose" being pursued is what leads to the current result.

There is an example about a friend who is a hikikomori (shut-in). His trauma from relationships with his parents, or from bullying at school or work, has left him unable to go outside. This is the theory of causation.

On the other hand, Adlerian psychology's theory of teleology explicitly denies trauma. It's not that some cause led to his current shut-in state. Rather, "not going outside" is seen as connected to a purpose. For example, "not going outside" might be to trouble his parents and get attention for himself, to be treated gingerly like a sore spot, or as an act of revenge.

By realizing we are not bound by the past but simply trying to fulfill our own purposes, people can change.

Memo

For example, phenomena like "it snowed because the temperature dropped" likely do not apply, since there is a clear causal relationship there.

On the other hand, regarding causality related to the "human condition", it is interpreted to mean that everything is "due to one's own decisions". This is something I myself frequently think as well. (Although I don't often voice it out loud since it can rub some people the wrong way.)

All Worries Are "Worries About Interpersonal Relationships"

There is no such thing as a worry that is self-contained within an individual, a so-called internal worry. No matter what kind of worry it is, the shadow of others is always involved.

An inferiority complex is not an objective fact, but a subjective interpretation. It refers to the feeling of being inferior compared to an ideal that one has not been able to achieve. However, an inferiority complex can also serve as a catalyst for effort and growth if used correctly.

The thought "I'm just not good enough" is an "inferiority complex", not an inferiority feeling. It refers to a state where one starts using one's inferiority feelings as a kind of excuse.

Example 1) I can't succeed because I don't have a good education.
Example 2) I can't get married because I'm not talented enough.

This way of thinking also leads to the theory of causation.

Denying the Need for Approval

Adlerian psychology denies the need for approval. There is no need to be approved by others. In fact, one should not seek approval.

While being approved can give you a sense of self-worth, constantly worrying about others' evaluations ultimately means living others' lives.

Memo

I felt a piercing sensation, as if this was denying modern society itself. I too have a need for approval, and I do expect to be praised by others, so this made me pause.

Am I writing this blog to be recognized by others? That's one way to look at it, but there's also an aspect of "writing it for my own notes."

What about sharing articles on social media? That behavior satisfies a need for approval to some extent, but it's also an act of expressing my own thoughts and introducing good books.

The point seems to be: don't worry about what others think, and simply act in ways that elevate yourself to greater heights.

Separating the Tasks

Consider whose task it really is. It's common to mistakenly think someone else's task is your own.

For example, the "task" of a child not studying is the child's task, not the parent's. Think about who will ultimately bear the consequences of that choice.

However, Adlerian psychology does not advocate neglect. Be aware of what your child is doing and keep watch. Communicate that not studying is their task, but that you stand ready to assist if they decide they want to study. However, do not intrude forcefully into your child's tasks.

Memo

On this point, from my perspective as a parent, I can't help but think it's not quite so simple. According to the book, parents often push their children to study out of concern for appearances or a desire to control, not out of the child's best interests. This push from the parents is their own task. If they try to encourage studying under the guise of "I'm doing this for your own good," the child will sense the dissonance and rebel.

The parts about appearances and vanity involve a need for approval, so perhaps those should not even be considered issues to solve in the first place.

Freedom Means Being Disliked by Others

While all worries are worries about interpersonal relationships, we cannot live entirely alone in the universe.

Unless we stop caring about others' evaluations, stop fearing being disliked by others, and are willing to pay the cost of not being approved, we cannot live true to ourselves.

No one wants to be actively disliked. The point is not "be disliked by others," but rather "do not fear being disliked."

Having the courage to be disliked makes interpersonal relationships immensely lighter.

Memo

From my own past experiences, I can relate to this strongly. The more people you interact with, the more impossible it becomes to be liked by everyone. If I sensed even one person in a community disliked me, thinking "Oh, this person may dislike me...", it made me uncomfortable in that community, leading me to move on to a different one repeatedly.

It's said that generally, out of 10 people, 2 will be favorable towards you, 7 will be neutral, and 1 will dislike you. In a way, it's inevitable, so it's important to adopt the mindset of not taking it personally when someone dislikes you. I've learned that having the courage to be disliked, without being overly concerned about it, is crucial.

Happiness Is a Sense of Contribution

The greatest unhappiness for a human being is being unable to like oneself. In contrast, the sole feeling that allows one to truly feel a sense of self-worth is "I am being useful to someone."

However, since it is others who determine whether one is actually being useful or not, it is not an issue one can directly intervene in. One must not seek "approval" from others here. It is enough to simply possess the subjective sensation of "I am being useful to someone" - in other words, to have a "sense of contribution."

Memo

While gaining a sense of contribution by being useful to others leads to happiness, the notion of not seeking approval may seem contradictory.

In reality, does this mean not worrying about whether you are truly being useful or not?

You simply continue taking actions intended to be helpful to others. It's possible these efforts could actually be futile – providing something unnecessary that ends up making the other person dislike you.

Ah, so then it circles back to not fearing being disliked. Another chapter mentioned that phrases like "Great job!" "You did well!" "Awesome!" are condescending remarks that look down on the other person. Instead, you should say "Thank you."

If the other person truly sees you as an equal, they should reciprocate with the equal phrase "Thank you." Hearing those words could strengthen your sense of contribution.

However, the aim shouldn't be to receive gratitude, but to contribute to others for its own sake. (Difficult balance)

Summary

Overall, I was shocked by the ideas presented, but I have to admit it is difficult to fully internalize them. The book itself stated that it takes about half a lifetime to completely understand.

The core message seems to be: "Don't care what others think. Act according to your own beliefs." I have no objection to this, and indeed aspire to live that way.

Whenever I feel stuck on something, I think I'll reread parts of this book.